Frustrations!!!!

I'm so tired.  I'm tired of the pain.  I'm tired of the constant struggles.  I'm tired of it all.  I go on.  I have to.  There is no other choice.  The days of strife are constant and I know not what to do.  I am caught in a vicious cycle of pain upon pain upon pain.  I can't take much more. 

I'm irritable.  I'm cranky.  I'm downright hostile sometimes.  I can't stand the constant pain.  I sometimes wish I wasn't disabled.  I can't change my circumstances; but I guess I could change my attitude.  It's just that lately, the pain has been worse and all consuming.  I wish it were different sometimes.

Light sensitive, sound sensitive, cold sensitive, I can't stand the sensitive's.  Sometimes I feel I'm losing my mind.  Sometimes it is too much to bear.  I don't know how to survive it.

My friend is no different in his struggle and that doesn't help.  No matter how much I push him away, he clings harder.  When I tell him the truth, he accuses me of lying.  I tell him I want him out of my life and he doesn't believe me.  I'm struggling there, too. 

My son just had surgery for his tonsils and missed 3 weeks of school.  That was stressful for us both and recovering from surgery and then making up all the school work he missed was a major ordeal.  I've had to deal with teachers who acted like he was supposed to be there even though he had surgery.  The quarter just ended and he still has a few assignments to go.  UGH!!!! 

At any rate, I'm going to, once again, try a new doctor and see where we go from here.  I'm also dealing with a new diagnosis of Diabetes and I'm not liking it.  The meds make me feel sick to my stomach.  YUK!  Oh well, in for a penny, in for a  pound. :)

I don't get it.....

I'm having a bad day.  My head is filled with pain so intense I can barely breath.  My stomach is rolling like I'm on rough seas.  I beg for death.  God is not about to allow that. :)

My friend calls.  I tell him my problem and that I can't talk.  We hang up.  He calls again, prattling on about some inane crap that I can't comprehend.  Am I going to vomit?  I'm not sure.  It certainly feels like it.  He's still talking.  "You don't care about me!"  WHAT?  Me:  "What are you talking about"  Him:  "I'm going to kill myself; because no one gives a shit." 

This selfish jerk is upset, not because he is insensative about my pain; but because he believes I'm ignoring him even though I can barely breath at this moment.

HUH???  What is going on now?  We hang up.  I receive 10 text messages from him about his life and how screwed up it is and how he's going to kill himself all because I have a headache and can't baby him right this minute.  I cannot believe how selfish he is.  I can't function the pain is so bad; but I have to go out of my way to help him through another crisis as he sees it.  No amount of my illness is allowed to be present when he's in crisis; because it IS all about him.

Then, I choose to ignore him.  I'm not about to let him control me this way.  Now, he's pissed.  Suicide threats abound.  I receive more texts.  I continue to ignore them.

Next morning, I am no better; but the pain has lessened a bit.  He calls and I have to hear all about how I'm selfish and a bitch and mean and unfair to him and how he needs me in his support system; but I'm unsupportive.  I have to hear about how screwed up his life is and how I'm not helping him; but he has made no attempt to help himself.

Okay, I'm a disabled woman with a 12 year old son and I'm supposed to drop everything in my life to assist a 43 year old man get his life back together because he demands it.  Not that he does anything to help himself; but I should be the one to do it all.  <sigh>

Advice received:  Get rid of him.  I try.  He's a leech.  I can't even begin to try to rid myself of the jerk because the more I try, the more he clings.  UGH!

Calgone, take HIM away!

Welcome to the Insanity!

This is my first post on Blogger and I just want to welcome you to my special piece of hell on earth -- my wonderful, insane life. :)

About me?  Retired Marine with PTSD (among other things) who's madness runs amok in everything!